Missed Moments (poem)

This is a sometimes annual thing of reflection I do around my birthday. It's basically a bit of reminiscing and some lamenting about choices made and consequences that come with them. I have said before that sometimes I regret not being as open to some friendships at younger ages or willing to further pursue possible romantic relationships- but in the end, I have to trust that God allowed things to happen as they did for a reason and He's still worked out His good plan for me moment by moment. This is also a "what if?" musing about spiritual choices, eternity, sin and righteousness.


"Missed Moments"
(Poem copyright by Nathan Ludwick 5/4/2020)
(Philippians 2:14-16, Hebrews 3:7-14, 2 Corinthians 6:2, Philippians 3:7-20, Ecclesiastes 9:11-12, Proverbs 1:7, Proverbs 25:11, Proverbs 27:1, Romans 9, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, Ecclesiastes 7:10-14, Romans 8:28, 1 Corinthians 3, James 3, Psalms 90 (Especially v. 12), Ecclesiastes 12:11-14)

A word aptly spoken makes golden moments
How quickly a word ineptly spoken turns them to dross
How many scenes of life could have been so different
If only a different door had been chosen?
The road not taken makes all the difference in the world
Memories meander through time and linger longer than we'd ever expect
Except the good ones seem far too fleeting and the bad ones far too abundant
Why did I say that stupid thing then instead of something else?
Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut?
Words have a deadly power of permanence no matter how much
we might want to retract
The scorpion's sting still burns like fire every time the scab's reopened
Why did I do that back then? Why was I so dumb?
Apologies can be made but consequences must always be faced
What if I could slide down Alice's rabbit hole to another world?
What kind of person would I be if I had studied another subject?
What if I had taken up another career instead?
What if I had been more outgoing and taken more chances on friends?
What if I had kissed that girl and she had become my wife?
So many things replay in my mind that a time machine might fix
But lightning never strikes twice and thunder continues to roil in my soul
Sometimes the pain and sadness are so intense when sitting in quiet loneliness
Regrets haunt dreams and reveries with a parasite's tenacity
There's a desperation in lament that yearns to put right what once went wrong
The sins of commission resound like a gong in time with the sins of omission
Why didn't I take action when I knew what to do then?
Why didn't I speak up and say what needed to be said?
Time relentlessly passes and the moments are lost
Are they gone beyond all hope of recovery?
When the corner is turned and opportunities missed
They never come in exactly the same way again
And when eternal choices are made things are bound that can never be unbound.
Though tears flow like Esau's, the blessing is lost and
The time of God's favour comes to an end.
The past is gone and can't be changed but it can pass on its lessons.
The future still looms with possibilities of whatever we make it.
May The Spirit teach me His lessons in the present
so I can live in the light of each tense like Scrooge on Christmas morning.
The joy only found in Christ somehow sifts through
The wreckage of my life to find a rainbow in the silver lining.
The pangs of past pains hurt my heart but also mold it
to be shaped more like the Saviour's heart.
As He still works to work all these things together for good
according to His master plan,
may He use the missed moments to make my life
both now and in the future what He wants it to be.
His cross and empty tomb redeemed my life-
May He use all that I am in the time that is left
to share His truth and love with all around me.
With past faults behind me, the bad memories make me all the more
thankful for the good memories and they all spur me to
live every day for The One who loves me
and make choices of righteousness to redeem the time so
that His light shines- because Jesus makes the only golden moments in my life.
.......................................................................

Trading Dreams

(Note: This blog entry is in response to the following article.
https://www.boundless.org/blog/giving-god-control-of-my-failure/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=bt_blog_Mar12&fbclid=IwAR1a0eDtNfntrA98dIilG1p8IwH57viGO5V3Qqyj406x20iuufnnUupUip8
I am largely talking about keeping Jesus our number one passion above all else here but it is particularly addressing disappointment some feel with unwanted singleness.)


   I read the article- good stuff overall. I particularly liked how he talked about giving all our timelines, plans, dreams and desires over to God.
    Proverbs 16:3 is a great promise from The Lord- but don't forget some other verses in the same chapter- 16:9 and 16:33. In the end, even when we throw the dice in the game of Life, God still determines where they land. (Read Romans 9 for an excellent expose on God's sovereignty.)
     I did note that the dude's now happily married and I'm glad for him and his wife. I will admit that I get what he's saying because I've had times when I get sick of congratulating people on their engagements and marriages and children, etc. And then I get sick of me getting sick of that! Why am I going to sit around and whine about what I don't have instead of being thankful for what I do have?
     Marriage is not the perfect life-fixer we've idolized it to be. I'm not saying it's a bad thing- a wife is a blessing from The Lord. But marriage often makes life much harder, not easier. I do think it's worth the hardships but the grass always looks greener on the other side. (As Erma Bombeck used to say, I do believe- if I got the quote right)- that's because it's growing over a septic tank.
    I think too many Americans have bought into the American dream and have hopes set on marriage, kids and successful job in a nice cozy house- none of which is necessarily bad but none of which is necessarily God's plan for our lives.
     As with anything, the question we need to keep in mind with marriage, is asking how best we can bring God glory. How would my marriage to this particular girl best glorify God? I think as a couple, I would need to make sure both she and I can see God's vision for us as a couple.
     And we also have to be ready to trust The Lord and lay down our Isaac on the altar if that's what He calls us to do.
   "Sometimes, to do what's right, we have to be steady and give up the things we want the most- even our dreams."- Aunt May in "Spider-Man 2"
     And even if we feel like we're doing just that, we can trust that God still has the best in mind for us and will provide for all our needs. (Philippians 4:19) And whether He grants what we might desire or not- whether He sends His sun or rain upon us (just as He does for all the righteous and the wicked alike)- He is still always good and has already given us infinitely more than we deserve in Christ!
     I want to want Christ and want nothing else. (Psalms 23:1) Not that I have obtained all this or am already perfect, but I press on toward the goal for the prize for which God has called me Heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:14)
   I praise God for all the gifts He has blessed me with because the fact that I'm even here on earth to complain about what I don't have in life right now is more than I deserve- 'cause what I deserve is Hell. Anything above burning in Hell is a privilege.
   I know everyone's at different places with all this and I'm just writing for me and where I stand on this. Yes, I'd like to get married if God brings the right woman to my life but it's okay if I don't. Either way, I seek to live for God's glory above all and His desires above mine. He must increase and I must decrease. (John 3:30)
"Whom have I in Heaven but You, Jesus? And what better could I hope to find down here on earth? I could search the most distant reaches of this world but I'd just be wasting my time- I'm certain already I'm sure I'd find- You're my one thing! And the pure in heart shall see God." ("My One Thing" by Rich Mullins- which he based on Psalms 73 and these awesome quotes- "Purity of heart is to will one thing."- Soren Kierkegaard
"Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God."- Jesus)
    Again- please don't hear me wrong. I'm not saying anyone desiring marriage and still feeling unfulfilled and wondering why God hasn't granted that yet is necessarily just wallowing in despair and self-pity and not making Jesus their highest joy (just like Psalms 137- may my tongue stick to my mouth like peanut butter if I don't make New Jerusalem and its Lord my highest joy).
I know that I'm not always desiring God like I should because none of us really do. But He keeps drawing us to Him more and more and I desire to be more and more like Him and desire Him all the more!
(Philippians 2:1-18, Romans 8)
   Of course, it's good to know that God loves us as we are and not as we should be- because none of us are as we should be. (Shout out to Brennn Manning for that.)
Walking with Jesus is not always the most comfortable for sure, but it's always the best and "I am beginning to think there are better things than being comfortable." (Diamond in "At the Back of the North Wind" by George MacDonald)

I'm reminded of Thomas Merton's prayer, which I think is a great one to consider in pondering God's will specifically in marriage but also in life in general. The most important thing is to seek Him above all. No one who has given up mother, father, brothers, sisters, husband or wife and children for His kingdom will lose their reward. (See Matthew 19:29 and Mark 10:29 and Luke 18:29)

Author: Thomas Merton
"My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. "

And for one more quote-
"Dreams come true can kill a man if never graced by sovereign hands."- "Monkey's Paw" by Smalltown Poets

I choose to leave it in God's hands.