Feeling the Slough of Despond? - Faith is the Victory!

I know I have expressed this notion on separate posts, but it's been heart check time again lately. I'm just going to give a full disclosure on some things here. I have been reading "The Pilgrim's Progress" by John Bunyan as part of an online book reading club. I was on vacation for a while and had a lot of time to read at points and so I read through the whole book already a week or two back. I actually also read the second part as well (which details what happens to Christian's family.) This point I'm going to make again hit me recently and so I wanted to note something that hit me from both books and something that encouraged me a lot. "The Pilgrim's Progress" is a journey with Christ and we go through many trials and temptations along the way. And no matter what our feelings may say at times, God is ALWAYS faithful! This is a journey He has wrought and He will get us safely to the end and usher us into His presence for eternity through our faith because we're saved by His grace and His grace alone! His saving work leads us to do the good works He made for us to do all along- and those fruit of the Spirit manifesting in us are evidence of the salvific work He has already done! (Ephesians 2:8-10 and Philippians 2:12-13 say this really well.) There is a character in the second part who feels like he may well be my patron saint at times. (Though I've already claimed Gonzo of The Muppets as my patron saint of weirdos. ;-)) Mr. Fearing is a pilgrim who trembles along the way, struggling with doubts and fears- who ENDURES and is brought all the way to Heaven and released from those fears by The Lord. (Sorry for the spoiler.) ("Endure" is one of my favourite most repeated words in Revelation. Of course, we do this through the Holy Spirit's power- not our own.) I say this as one who first called upon Jesus to save me as a child of about 5 or 7. In growing in my faith in Christ, I have prayed numerous prayers of reaffirmation even after baptism. I have felt like Mr. Fearing as one who has struggled with doubts and fears about the judgment and terrible events of the end times- and about security of salvation itself. Even tonight I wrestled with this again and reread through 1 John yet again and again put my weight and trust fully upon the truth of God's Word, who doesn't lie. I am thankful that I don't struggle with this nearly as much as I did in previous years but it still plagues me at times. I have found a few things that have helped me with this. The truth of God's Word and a right understanding of salvation and the work of Christ- these have been instrumental. I can't lose something I didn't earn and didn't buy- it was given to me and all who will believe as a free gift. God gave it and He will sustain it. My faith is built solely on Christ and His righteousness because I have none of my own. My faith is based on facts- not feelings. Feelings are fickle and lie. I have worried about that before- I didn't have the right "feelings" and experience others said they had when they got saved- thus, I must have done something wrong. Was I really repentant and sorry enough for my sins? Am I just trying to do good works to be saved instead of relying on Jesus' righteousness alone? I read passages like Matthew 7 and Matthew 25 and I know I don't want to be a goat who didn't really love God and people. I don't want to be the one Jesus tells, "Depart from Me- I never knew you!" Believe me- I've carried out 2 Corinthians 13:5's test a number of times. And it in the end drives me back to my knees before Jesus, acknowledging Him alone as Lord and Saviour, confessing any sin to Him and again putting my trust back in Him. And God is gracious and loving and He has given me reassurances many times and I know I've seen Him working in me and changing my heart. The times when I slip back into old sins that I don't want to do- and get callous about it and do it for the pleasure of it even though I know it's wrong- those times can become scary and make me think I must not really be saved when I do those things. Again- the truth is that 1 John 1:9 is in The Bible for a reason. God still forgives me when I repent and come back to Him. He holds me eternally and will never let go! (John 6:35-40) And I fully believe Jesus is exactly who He said He is and that His Word is 100 percent true. As I've said before, I've doubted myself more than I've ever doubted God. The most profound truth in The Bible is still the simplest and sometimes the hardest to believe- "Jesus loves me- this I know for The Bible tells me so." I am thankful for Jesus' love for ragamuffins like me who know that we are all only beggars at the door of God's mercy. And God loves all of us just as we are, not as we should be- because none of us are as we should be. And I praise Him that He's still working to make me the man He wants me to be.

(Shout out in Heaven to Brennan Manning for most of the thoughts in the above paragraph.)
  I don't know if anyone else relates to this but I hope it's helpful for someone. It's cathartic for me to write stuff out, so I hope you all don't mind me gushing on and on here. Some other things that help me a lot are reading good books and listening to good music.
For anyone else that may struggle with legalism and learning to accept and rest in Grace, I have some book recommendations that I have read and cried over many times. I'm a huge fan of C.S. Lewis and so I would include all his books- particularly "Mere Christianity", "The Weight of Glory" and "The Chronicles of Narnia" and "The Screwtape Letters" and "The Great Divorce" and "The Problem of Pain" and "A Grief Observed" and "Miracles".    But the book that has helped me A TON is "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning! (The paragraph where I mention ragamuffins two paragraphs back is largely taken from his writings.)
I also LOVE Philip Yancey! "Disappointment with God", "What's So Amazing About Grace?", "Vanishing Grace" and "The Jesus I Never Knew" have all been incredible!
Two articles I found helpful just today-
(https://unlockingthebible.org/.../seven-truths-to-fight.../)
and
(https://jdgreear.com/blog/2-ways-to-know-you-are-saved/)
I'll post a few beloved songs below. -I'm a HUGE fan of Chris Rice and he has written a couple of songs about doubts and faith that I have found immensely helpful! In the end, either God is true or a liar. I believe He is true and He will do what He said He will do and thus I simply trust Him with everything. This one is called "Big Enough" and has long been a favourite for me, mainly because he dares to ask some questions- but also admits that he is not big enough- but God is big enough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jw1s1JbM0Bk

"Live by Faith" by Chris Rice
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUgUUoqKAz4

"Sam's Song" by Chris Rice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_O7xXyD1Iw  "Smell the Color 9" by Chris Rice
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNUmoSHavLc "One of Those Days" by Chris Rice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5V30p-sPww Rich Mullins is still one of my all-time favourite artists and so I definitely have to include at least one of his classics that I LOVE-

"If I Stand"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Jj0ZTzgmGM And since July 28 is the anniversary of Keith Green's death and subsequent passage into Heaven, it seems only fitting to post one of my favourite songs from him-

"Grace By Which I Stand"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF2xD2bNkts And a few from another recent favourite for me- Andrew Peterson! (Who is a huge Rich Mullins fan himself!)

This song deals more with grief and sorrow along the way but it's an incredible encouragement too.

"The Silence of God"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvytewIxll0  And this one speaks directly to the issue- "Just As I Am" by Andrew Peterson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csaxuRPitS0 And I could post tons others but I'll just stop with one more from AP- the worship song I've been singing SO much for the last year and a half or so since it first released-

"Is He Worthy?" (HE IS! :-))

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIahc83Kvp4

Blind

(Note: This was written in 2018 and my brother's album was released in 2008. I have just recently come across it again and thought it was worth publishing here. And I still LOVE this song and listen to it and others from the album regularly. These are some things I've drawn from books (Tim Keller's "The Prodigal God" for one- which is the book the Sunday School class happened to be reading at the time of this writing, by the way) and other stuff I'd been kicking around for a little while. The pastor preached from 2 Peter 2 last Sunday before I wrote this and in the course of looking in my Bible during the sermon, I noticed 2 Peter 1:9 and I thought it fit perfectly with Kevin's song "Blind". )

This year marks the 10 year anniversary of this release from my brother Kevin.

https://kevinludwick.bandcamp.com/album/come-home

      The song "Blind" is still one of my favourites on it (along with "Come Home", of course.)
I just recently listened to the CD again in my car. :-)
The topic raised is a super important one that I have wrestled with over the years. I have gotten to a place of being settled with it but it still crops up every so often. It seems lately I have been bombarded with the issue of grace/faith vs. works in regards to salvation.
     It came up in a discussion I was having with a friend recently and then showed up again in an article I happened upon and then yet again during Sunday School and church service yesterday and again today in a Bible verse post on Facebook.
      It is important to do as 2 Corinthians 13:5 says and examine ourselves to see that we are in the faith. It's also important to remember Jesus' words in Matthew 7 that not everyone who calls to Him, "Lord, Lord" will enter the kingdom of Heaven- only he who does the will of The Father in Heaven.
     Motivation makes a huge difference. Am I trying to build a resume of "righteousness" so I can impress God with good works and manipulate Him to get what I want? Or have I truly recognized that I have no righteousness of my own and even my good works are as filthy rags before the holy God? (Isaiah 64:6)
     Thus, I repent of both my wickedness and my righteousness because I recognize that there is no good in me. "All we like sheep have gone astray, each of us have turned to our own way and The Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." (Isaiah 53:6) (That verse is one of the earliest I remember learning and it was a key one in bringing me to salvation as a young child.)
    Sometimes I used to think, growing up as a MK and PK and hearing the Gospel at an early age and getting saved when I was around 5 or 7, I didn't really have a dynamic testimony like Nicky Cruz or the Apostle Paul. I mean- I wasn't out robbing or killing people. But I knew that I wasn't always truthful or obedient or selfless. And all those sins are equally as bad and offensive before the holy Lord. Thus, every Christian has a dynamic testimony, whether coming to Christ like the prodigal in Luke 15 or (hopefully) like the elder brother. (The parable doesn't say if he repented but he's the image of the Pharisee we can so easily become who needs to repent of supposed righteousness.)
    And I sometimes feel like this is an easy trap to fall into for those raised going to church and knowing about Christ at an early age. (Not that it's bad to have either one of those things in place- it's a great thing!) I've sometimes wondered how I can even know if all the things I've done that I think are good are really a result of The Holy Spirit working in me because I've asked Jesus to save me and I rely on His completed work of death on the cross and Resurrection to pay for my sins- OR that I am really still relying on my good works.
     There's the conundrum right there. Yet I don't have any good works of my own. There are places I've seen growth in my life to be more like Christ, including areas I would not be comfortable or desiring to do on my own. Anything good in me is Jesus Christ, not me.
I believe He's God and He's true and He has done what He said He would and when I die or He returns, He'll take me to Heaven instead of banishing me to Hell (as I deserve)- just as He said He would. That's the beauty of grace believed by faith- which produces the good deeds in gratitude to the One who gave His life to save me because He loves me! I love Him because He first loved me! I thank Him for all He saved me from and even for the doubts and fears that He helps me overcome because they make my faith reaffirmed and stronger.
     I still struggle with these things at times because I know Satan likes to get Christians so messed up and freaked out about their own salvation that they can't very well be used by God to help bring anyone else to Christ. Thankfully, He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world! 1 John 5:13 says we can KNOW we have eternal life because of our faith in Jesus. Habakkuk 2:4 as well and 2 Corinthians 5:7. We walk by faith and not by sight.
     In grappling with this, I have found a number of things helpful- prayer, Bible reading and memorization (particularly of promises that speak directly to this- John 6:37-40, John 6:68, John 8:32-36, John 10:27-30, Galatians 3, the whole book of Romans, Philippians 2:12-13, Ephesians 2:8-10, Jeremiah 31:3 and lots of others), counsel from respected Christian leaders and friends, and writings from Christians and awesome songs.
Here are some articles I found helpful in this recent spate-

https://www.versebyverseministry.org/bible-answers/how_do_i_know_im_truly_saved/

And

https://capmin.org/is-salvation-by-faith-alone-in-christ-alone/

And books like "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning and "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan.

I also recommend awesome songs like this-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfGvXfe9LK8

And

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BY06uA9mUlw

And

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOftdxtQgmA

And

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1lfJdDqzbk

And

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axQWC4Y5jTI

And

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMGYk3SLArk

And

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXQJFQINq_U

And, of course- Kevin's song "Blind"- which leads me back to this Scripture to close on. (Particularly note 2 Peter 1:9)

"His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence, by which He has granted to us His precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partners of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (2 Peter 1:3-11)